Shaydz of Grey

It’s been over a month in Korea

This trip is exactly what I thought it was going to be… A period of extreme growth not just as a performer but more importantly as an individual and a believer. The conversations I’m having with cast members, new friends and directors have been life altering. My eyes are opening to so many new things, ways of life, learning processes, thinking processes, work habits and love laws. Learning always comes with some growth pains ..ive already done some crying, had a small emotional breakdown, it feels a little like my wrist is gonna burst open most days ( but the bleeding has stopped.. For now ) and I think my calf muscle might actually be curling itself off the bone, and really wouldn’t be surprised that if under my giant callus on my heel that it has turned black, blue and green. However, none of that is stopping me from enjoying every adventure and the realization that I really am living my dreams and I can’t wait to see what god has in store for me next. Mostly I’ve been learning how to wait for god, wait for him to tell me how to handle a situation, wait for him to clear up my thinking, comfort my heart, show me safety in his love, and put me in the next awesome dream place and show me why I’m there and why it’s important that I either enjoy it or need to just make it through it. I have had so many ridiculous adventures since ive been here and am finding beauty in so many new experiences and people that I think will very well be important people in my life from here on out. Not to mention all the incredible blessings that have been showered down a long the way… Like a free John legend concert.. Free, perfect view.. And on the water none the less…. And like every good Korean experience.. Complete with pushy old ladies haha. I’ve seen a circus, I perform for no less than 10,000 people a week, I’ve visited beaches, had fun food and shopping experiences, gotten lost in the city, a bunch of crazy bus rides, see beautiful water shows, concerts and meet people from differ countries all week long! I’m always surrounded by music, laughter, adventure and great conversation! I couldn’t be happier with where my life is at at this exact moment. I am traveling and experiencing so much of what this awesome world has to offer.

I started getting a little homesick, or rather family/friend sick not that long ago but wouldn’t budge from this place, if I could help it. I haven’t had many constants in my life but my parents always being there for me has been the one that reigns true always. It’s been difficult to stay in contact with people, mostly because of the time change and between mine and my friends crazy schedules and lives its been a lot of hit and miss, phone tag and dropped convos thanks to wifi and life hah ha. Also, I think I am purposely going through a period where I am supposed count mostly on my self, my current surroundings and god. However, my parents always call, Skype, voxxer ( yes my mom is that cool) and even send me care packages. They are my rock, they know me so well and love me more then I could have ever imagined and I don’t think I have ever been so thankful for That as I am now on this trip. They always make me smile, laugh and feel loved.. I always feel supported from these crazy, fun loving people. They have been there every time I was tired, felt a little homesick, couldn’t sleep and even when I wanted them to watch a show, via Skype of course. I always know, I need my family but I really do count on them and they always provide and always come through with so much love. They Truley are the best blessing I have ever received. it’s been difficult missing both of their birthdays, mothers day, fathers day soon and my brothers 1st anniversary of being with our family but our relationships are so strong it doesn’t mean a thing, there are plenty of times yet to come.

So I guess I should have posted about experience but instead I posted about where I am at in this latest adventure and what I am coming to know and learn. But the adventures are daily and too many to count, check Facebook photos for those.. They say them all loud and clear haha

3am thoughts

How do I know when my immediate reality affects my whole picture. My brain has been digesting the word focus lately. Where am I placing my eyes, what do they see and how often are they focused on just me? For me its not very often. A lot of times I focus on what other people will define me as, what will other people think I am becoming, will my shift and alteration to persona hurt them, help them and what box will they throw me in. I hate the boxes but I live in them too. I know I will never fit into a box, I am too many things to be categorized with someone else limitations but when I think about how I define myself, I feel that it is necessary to pick one of those boxes the world has formed. so in a result I am just feeding the circle and aiding in filling those boxes. I’m learning to set my focus on whats above, on how much god loves me and with knowing his love I can do anything, truly anything with my focus above ill never fit in int worlds boxes. The world might look at it and say oh now shes religious she belongs in that box, but actually being a child of god means I am my own box, his box and no one else will fit there but me. The reality and importance of focus is becoming stronger and more potent. The older I get the more important focus becomes… wherever my eyes are is where I am walking to, I have learned I cant walk toward my career when I’m focusing on another person, I cant focus on dance and try and walk towards school. I cant focus on work and maintain artistry. But I can focus on god and let him help me do all those things simultaneously in his seasons for me. I am changing, I am healing. I am not perfect and I’m not necessarily found yet either but I’m walking in the light now, and all my imperfections, vices and beauty marks are in the light as well. Now that I can see it is time to clean up me. This process is taxing and a lot of times I fail, but I am trying and winning one battle at a time. Today I have been a non-smoker for 2mos and 28days, for the first time in 10yrs.